Lent-ing

We are celebrating Lent and this week is Holy Week. Five day holiday (yay!)

So, do you believe in God? Here's a story of Albert Einstein.

'Let me explain the problem science has with religion. 'The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.



'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?'


'Yes sir, 'the student says.


'So you believe in God?'


'Absolutely.’


‘Is God good?'


'Sure! God's good.'


'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?'


'Yes'


'Are you good or evil?'


'The Bible says I'm evil.'


The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible!’ He considers for a moment. 'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?'


‘Yes sir, I would.'


'So you're good...!'


'I wouldn't say that.'


'But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.'


The student does not answer, so the professor continues. 'He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Can you answer that one?'


The student remains silent. 'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax. 'Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?'


‘Er.. yes,' the student says.


'Is Satan good?'


The student doesn't hesitate on this one. 'No.'


'Then where does Satan come from?'


The student falters. 'From God'


'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?'


'Yes, sir.'


'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?'


'Yes'


'So who created evil?' The professor continued, 'If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil.'


Again, the student has no answer. 'Is there sickness? Immorality?


Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?'


The student squirms on his feet. 'Yes.'


'So who created them?'


The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. 'Who created them?' There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. 'Tell me,' he continues onto another student. 'Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?'


The student's voice betrays him and cracks. 'Yes, professor, I do.'


The old man stops pacing. 'Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?'


'No sir. I've never seen Him.'


'Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?'


'No, sir, I have not.'


'Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?'


'No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.'


'Yet you still believe in him?'


'Yes'


'According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist... What do you say to that, son?'


'Nothing,' the student replies.. 'I only have my faith.'


'Yes, faith,' the professor repeats. 'And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith.'


The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. 'Professor, is there such thing as heat?'


'Yes. ’


'And is there such a thing as cold?'


'Yes, son, there's cold too.'


'No sir, there isn't.'


The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain.


'You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit down to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.'


Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.


'What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?'


'Yes,' the professor replies without hesitation.. 'What is night if it isn't darkness?'


'You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word. In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?'


The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. 'So what point are you making, young man?'


'Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.'


The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. 'Flawed?


‘Can you explain how?'


'You are working on the premise of duality,' the student explains.


'You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought.' 'It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.' 'Now tell me, professor.. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?'


'If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do.'


'Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?'


The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.


'Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?'


The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided. 'To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean..' The student looks around the room. 'Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?' The class breaks out into laughter. 'Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir.' 'So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?'


Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable. Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. 'I Guess you'll have to take them on faith.'


'Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life,' the student continues. 'Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?' Now uncertain, the professor responds, 'Of course, there is. We see it Everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil.'


To this the student replied, 'Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light.'


The professor sat down.

...

We're close friends. You said so yourself and I believed it. Or rather, I convinced myself to believe it. But then most of the time, when we're silent and you're in your own world where I can't reach you, I wonder what you're thinking of, who you're thinking of, and if any of those thoughts are about me.

For a laugh

I found this on the net. Some called it dumb, but I kind of thought these were works of pure genius. Haha!

These are similes and metaphors gathered from HS essays. Enjoy!

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
17. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
21. "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
26. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
27. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
28. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
29. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Summer Lovin

Summer in the Philippines is basically this: hot. It's humid and stifling and walking even a short distance is a trial. The sun is always at its highest and the sky is at its bluest with only wisps of clouds here and there. So for Filipinos, we only have one thought during summer: the beach. The oasis and respite of the suffocating heat of the metro. But I think the best part of the summer months are the trees. All of them bloom and it's so fucking beautiful. Red, yellow, purple and red rain. When the wind blows, there is that rain. It rains flowers and it's so amazing. The yellow of the narra, the red spiky lychee-like bloom of the acacia, the flaming red of the fire tree and the colorful flowers of the kalachuchi. I think Filipinos don't get to notice this much and the metros sadly lack trees but it's there! And this year, summer is kind of different. It's cool. Still humid but sweating has been exponentially lessened. I hope summers are always like this. Sunny with cool winds and chilly nights. But summer is only beginning so let's hope I didn't speak too soon.

The never ending need to ask the question 'why'

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get married or if married life is for me. True, the thought of spending the rest of my life alone scares the batshit out of me, but in a relationship full of giving and sharing and an endless committment to make something work is something I am not sure if I, myself, could commit to doing. More often than not, the urge to run has been ingrained in me. When a topic skews to feelings, first instinct is to change the subject. Deflect. Ignore. Avoid. If a guy asks me about my problem, all I can think of saying is 'I'll be okay,' 'it's not a big deal,' etc. If we're in a fight, my instinct is to walk, no, run away and go home and cry myself to sleep. In the instances a guy tells me he likes me, I pass it up as a joke and laugh and change the subject. Something must be wrong with me to always feel the need to deflect. Why can't I be a girl about my feelings and just take the plunge? Why am I so fucking scared all the time? Probably just low self esteem. Anyway, end of rant.

ER last night :s

Yesterday evening I got my first dose of what is commonly called an allergy attack. Woke up around 10:30 in the evening due to intense itch all over my body. Initially brushing it off as a symptom of needing to take a shower and went about feeding the dogs. In a matter of minutes the itch trebled and got more intense all over my body and I finally panicked when my tongue, palms and the soles of my feet felt weird and itchy too. Went to the mirror and saw that my face was bloating up and when I looked down my arms, it was covered in hives. Lifted my shirt and pulled down my pants and it was covered all over too. Checked my breathing and thank god I still could but since this has never happened to me, always attributing my health as being made of sterner stuff, I started to really panic. Had celsetamine at home since my sister had bouts of allergic reactions before and took one, but then I got the intense case of stomach spasms. Half an hour of all that craziness when we decided to head to the ER. They gave me a shot of buscopan and monitored my skin and blood pressure. The nurse got slightly concerned because my blood pressure was very low. We stayed until past midnight and it got better and the doctor finally decided to send me home. He prescribed iterax and another med for the allergy. That's just about it. Panic and anxiety eventually subsided and I finally went to sleep.

To the boy who has stolen my heart

Here's the thing. I like you. I like you a lot. I don't think it's love nor do I also think it's anything less. It's hard to put a label on these feelings when there are so many things not said. All I know is that what we have and what we can have together, as partners and as a couple, could be something great. Already as I write this I know I miss you. When you act cold because of some thing I did or for another reason a cloud hangs over your head, know that all I want to do is hug you and make things better. I want you to tell me things and vice versa. I love how we can laugh and tease each other and make jokes. I love when you tickle me and I act as if I hate it. I love when you are greedy for my attention and I try my hardest to act nonchalant about it. I love the moments where we do touch and I can imagine I am in this world where it's just us and we're together. I love how you want to get to know me more and when you ask me so many hypothetical questions. Basically I just love us being together.

But now, when everyhing is awkward and you stopped talking to me, the ache to touch and talk to you becomes even harder. I don't understand what is going on between us anymore. I don't know why you're mad. I already apologized and it's taking all of my will power not to beg you to talk to me again. Again, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for snapping at you that day. That Thursday was an overload of emotions. We all have our stressful days...

So now, I don't know why you are so distant and a gap is forming between us. Each day that passes where we don't talk, the fear in me that the gap will get bigger also increases.  I hate that we're not talking. I hate that we are not being friends. If what is bothering you right now is this girl you refuse to admit to me when I tease you, then I need to know. My heart can't bear this confusion and uncertainty. Please know that though I may be the only one having these feelings for you, having our friendship, though it can never be enough, is at least something. I want you back in my life. I want us to laugh together and feel at ease with each other again. If you could just tell me what you are thinking and what I need to do to fix things I'd do it. I'll do anything just to have you back. I miss you. How I wish I could tell you half of these things and more. I want to put an end to this craziness so I can finally move on.

(He'll never get to read this but there is something comforting knowing that this sort of love letter is floating around cyber space, a message in a bottle floating in the sea, hoping that if the universe is perfectly aligned and the stars are right and fate is there to help, then maybe just maybe, it can reach him so he can finally understand.)

Things We Love: The "Holstee" Manifesto

(Go here.)

New projects

Dear All,

How have you been? Sorry for the long silence and admittedly it has been laziness on my part. For the past year I've been really busy with work! I have been a corporate drone. This month, on the other hand, promises big changes in my life. Wish me luck! I need it!

Anyway, Kookie Kulasa and I will be starting on a new project! I hope everything goes well! Stay tuned. ;)

In the meantime, I'm addicted to packaging and tags! Can't wait to have the project's "stuff" printed out!

(Thanks ffffound!)

I was with my friend and was about to ride her car when I spotted this beautiful butterfly on the rear tire. Thanks nicole for the picture!

It did not even try to fly away but just lingered on my hand. After staring at it for quite a while, I had to let it go, though I was sorely tempted to bring it home.

My first award! Hurray for me!

Awarded by Tiffany Tree, a new blogger friend as of this morning. Anyway, here is my first award. Just in time for christmas, wrapped in a pretty pixel wrapper. :D

"This blog invests and believes in the PROXIMITY-nearness in space, time and relationships. These blogs are exceeding charming.These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends.They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement!Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut,even more friendships are propagated.Please give more attention to these writers!Deliver this award to other bloggers who must choose eight more and include this clever-written text into the body of their award."

I was not even aware that I was like this. I suppose I was too lazy to define myself as a blogger. Well, this kind of definition is pretty good and I'm extremely flattered. :D

I am mentally making a list in my head, but I'm too preoccupied to commit them down on CSS. So I hope you'll forgive me, but the list will be belated. But I promise you, it will come.

Finally finished the list in my head, and i'm passing the award to the following lovelies. :D

1. ŞeNaY
2. CC
3. Coccinelle
4. Girl Meets NYC

RACISTS. god. people can be so horrible.

Okay, so Manny won the fight against Dela Hoya and I was surprised on how big Manny's fan base has expanded all over the globe. So, I went on YouTube and browsed through his vids, and to my intense and most upsetting surprse, most of the comments were derogatory and racial slurs against Filipinos. Someone called us "monkeys," another said "sorry excuse of a race," and other horrendous comments you can possibly imagine.

And I'm not naive enough to think that racism is dead. But it upset so much because here I was, celebrating Filipino pride because of Manny's win, when people thought it was acceptable to bring down an entire race. To even consider saying on YouTube that we should go back to climbing coconut trees. I thought we were past that. You know, being the 21st century and all. I mean, have you heard of anyone complain when we see so many beautiful people? And are we not surprised anymore to discover in this day that they look like that because their parents had interracial marriages? Alexa Chung. Halle Berry. Alicia Keys. Kristin Kreuk. Kate Beckinsale is a quarter Burmese. God. Even the president Americans voted for is biracial. I thought we were moving along great. I guess I was wrong. VERY VERY WRONG. And the disappointment I feel is so intense that I am more inclined to think that the world is doomed. I was not even offended when someone called us midgets. Sticks and stones. We are a generally short race and we accept that.

Furthermore, I would have accepted criticism on Manny alone as an athlete. That is always the downside of sports. The competitive drive can bring out the worst in us, but it's no big deal. But they went beyond that and had the nerve to call MY race inferior. The last time massive thinking like this happened, the holocaust happened. DON'T WE EVER LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES?

For my part, sure, I indulged on the "dela homo" comments, but at least for me, it was all for fun and games. I wasn't serious about it, and behind the fun, I respect Dela Hoya's character as a boxer, person, and as a Mexican. Not once was I inclined to attack his race or his background, and even challenge all Mexicans in general. And looking back, not once did I even see a comment by a Filipino include any kind of racial slur...

So the question that is on my mind is, how come racism still exists? Why can't people just want to try and get along? Why do we always have to want to bring each other down?

Fuck. This is has upset me so much that they made me cry. Where is my 'Boy Meets World' dvd? I need some Cory Matthews to make me feel better. I hate bullies. I hope they all snuff it. Boo.

If you saw a black Kia carnival and a helpless looking woman staring at an engine in the middle of san miguel avenue yesterday, that was probably me.

Since I'm bumming around while looking for the dream job and doing a lot of soul searching, I am officially my mom's driver. I had to drive her yesterday morning to the hospital to accompany my uncle who is on cancer watch. Three days ago, his nose bled non stop and filled a kidney pan to the brim, when he just came back from China where he underwent cryo surgery. It's a new treatment under alternative medicine, which was perscribed to us through a family friend. So the entire family was pretty much shocked that this is happening when the doctors in China assured us of the treatment's success.

Anyway, after dropping my mom off, I was already in one of the main avenues in Ortigas and waiting for the light to turn green when I heard a distinct pop and saw some smoke. I thought at first it was the tailpipe of the car in front of me and brushed it off, but panicked in a matter of a second when I glanced upon the pressure gauge and saw the arrow on the red! I looked up for a brief millisecond and saw clouds of smoke ensuing from under the hood. It was like watching a scene from Dante's Peak. I could even hear the steam forcing its way out. Of course, I freaked out and turned the engine off right away. I was in middle of a very busy street in a very busy city, but I had no choice. I called my mom and told her what happened and she told me that I had to wait until the engine cooled so I can open the water tank and put some water in.

Then, I began freaking out some more when a traffice enforcer began to approach me. I knew for a fact that the car was off the road that day. I purposely dropped my mom off during the 10 am to 3 pm window, but the adrenaline rendered my brain incapable of processing higher thinking so I wasn't sure if he could give me a ticket or not. If the car was allowed at all within the vicinity of Ortigas.

But to my immense relief, he was very helpful but still slightly intimidating, and asked me to pop the hood. He inspected the engine, declared it to be still too hot and stood by me the entire time. It was very comforting to have him there as I was alone, in the middle of a sea of angry motorists who kept honking their horns to the thoughtless-girl-who-should-once-in-a-while-glance-at-those-dials-behind-the-wheel. And to add to the humiliation, the weather was so uncooperative that it kept drizzling the entire time.

When the engine cooled down after a couple of minutes, the traffic enforcer opened the tank. I found a bottle of water in the car and a liter of emergency water supply which my dad keeps under the seat for emergencies such as this. The traffice enforcer discovered the tank to be completely dried up and he walked off and looked for more water to put in. He was the kindest soul ever as he went back and forth to wherever he got the water for about 3 or 4 times. It must have been nearby, but he was gone for about five to ten minutes at a time.

It is also worth mentioning the other kind soul who opened his door during traffic and gave me his own water reserve.

My faith on humanity has been strengthened, and I am so grateful to those who helped me during that very stressful time.

When the water tank was finally full, the traffic enforcer asked me to turn the engine on and rev it a couple of times to make sure. Thankfully, it was still working or else I would have had to endure one of those lectures from my dad on how careless I can be sometimes. Case in point. He closed the hood and I gave him some money as a sign of my gratitude.

After that, I drove to the nearest gas station to have the engine double checked, and then drove home very hungry and with a bad headache that lasted me until evening.

What a day. Any horrible car problem stories you'd like to share? It would definitely make me feel better if you do.

twilight movie review. gimme a moment to be mean.

just came home from watching the movie. one word = ick. enough said.

any thoughts you'd like to share?

and don't even get me started with jacob and that hair! gawd.

the homeless look only looks good on Robert Pattinson

I despise twilight. I really do. I know there are tons of you out there who love it, but to each her own, ok?

Anyway, I love Rob. Ever since Harry Potter. Maybe because he's just soooo beautiful. Don't you agree?

I'm not sure what it is, but this guy keeps making me LOL. His out of place comments and remarks are hilarious ALL the time.

"When I read it I was convinced Stephenie was convinced she was Bella and it was like it was a book that wasn't supposed to be published. It was like reading her sexual fantasy, especially when she said it was based on a dream and it was like, 'Oh I've had this dream about this really sexy guy,' and she just writes this book about it. Like some things about Edward are so specific, I was just convinced, like, 'This woman is mad. She's completely mad and she's in love with her own fictional creation.' And sometimes you would feel uncomfortable reading this thing."

I could just imagine the eyes of the producers bugging out after this! Sigh. Rob and the foot that always gets stuck in his mouth. Hi hi hi.

Watch this. Seriously, Ellen was soooo funny here.

{Thanks JustJared for the pix!}

Totally random but just had to post a shoutout of support to Pacquiao.

Forgive me for this post, in contrast to the usual fashion-related, life-related, characteristically girly posts, but I just had to write about this or else feel very unpatriotic.

-.-.---.-.--.-.-.-

I'm not a big fan of boxing, I find the sport quite abrupt, but this is Manny we're talking about and I must show my support. Manny Pacquiao vs. Oscar Dela Hoya in 11 nerve-wracking days! I am actually tingling in anticipation!

11 days before the big day!!

If you want to post a shoutout in your blog, in support of course of Manny Pacquiao, go to this link.

to kaye who is 6,457 miles away

(Not sure about the distance.) Anyway....

Maligayang Kaarawan!

Maligayang Bati! Maligayang Bati!
Maligayang Maligayang...
Maligayang Bati!

I know you're having the time of your life over there, but I hope you won't forget your friends who love and miss you back here in Manila.

Ang tagal kong ginawa tong collage para lang sayo. :D

Some of the pictures were borrowed from the birthday girl herself.

crappy people don't seem so bad when you've got great friends and an early season's greetings from me to you :D

I posted a drama-fest a couple of days ago and I'm quite over that now. Right after the incident, I cried a bucket full of tears. I'm pathetic, I tell you! Pathetic!

But my friends were great as usual and that beat the shittiness of the day. My friend rounded them all up and we had an impromptu drinking session to make me feel better. (You know you're getting older when beer starts tasting like water. Philippine beer at that!) So amidst the cigarettes and the ice cold beer, that crappy day turned out really well.

I swear to god I don't deserve my friends. They're just too good for me. My friend even gave me an early christmas gift to cheer me up. Check out my new lighter!

So I guess, for the holiday season, that's my wish for everyone of you out there. That you'd be blessed with amazing friends who'll be as annoyingly inquisitive about your life as my friends are, because you know they're only annoyingly inquisitive because they love you so fucking much. And also it helps to have friends who loving drinking as much as you do.

Saw Nine Months in HBO and still LOL

Dr. Kosevich: I've got it! Nurse, call the Anesthesiologist, this woman needs an enema!
Samuel, Rebecca, Nurse: An enema?!
Dr. Kosevich: No, uh, she needs a pedicure!
Nurse: This ain't no goddamn beauty parlor!
Dr. Kosevich: Epitaph!
Samuel: She's not dead, you moron!
Dr. Kosevich: Epidermis... Uh...
Rebecca: Epidural, asshole!

This scene cracks me up EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Not looking for pity. Just a space to pour out my insecurities. Or most likely a prescription for antidepressants.

I'm scared. I'm terrified. So much so that my mind is thinking of a million reasons not to go. Not to face my demons. Not to face my mistakes. Because a large part of me knows that I'm not brave. That deep inside I don't have what it takes. That I am inadequate.

But then, the other part of me says, the part which is but a whisper, that if I don't begin now, what more in the future when I have to face tougher choices... much scarier people...

I guess the only thing that's stopping me, the thing I keep repeating in my head is that by going, I both have everything to gain and everything to lose. Life's choices after all are zero-sum games. Tit for tat. Win or lose. Up or down. A finality such as that always always scares me. Because what if I lose? How can I possibly deal with that? I know enough of myself to realize my weaknesses, and of all emotions, disappointment is the one which I fear the most.

Maybe just maybe if I say it as often as it takes, and loud enough that will drown the other voices in my head, I can be like the cowardly lion and realize that I had what I needed inside me all along. Courage and strength. Maybe in tiny amounts, but nonetheless still there.

It's just so hard to rely on maybes. Enough self-pity. Time to make a decision.