Monday, April 11, 2011

The never ending need to ask the question 'why'

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get married or if married life is for me. True, the thought of spending the rest of my life alone scares the batshit out of me, but in a relationship full of giving and sharing and an endless committment to make something work is something I am not sure if I, myself, could commit to doing. More often than not, the urge to run has been ingrained in me. When a topic skews to feelings, first instinct is to change the subject. Deflect. Ignore. Avoid. If a guy asks me about my problem, all I can think of saying is 'I'll be okay,' 'it's not a big deal,' etc. If we're in a fight, my instinct is to walk, no, run away and go home and cry myself to sleep. In the instances a guy tells me he likes me, I pass it up as a joke and laugh and change the subject. Something must be wrong with me to always feel the need to deflect. Why can't I be a girl about my feelings and just take the plunge? Why am I so fucking scared all the time? Probably just low self esteem. Anyway, end of rant.

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