Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Not looking for pity. Just a space to pour out my insecurities. Or most likely a prescription for antidepressants.

http://i449.photobucket.com/albums/qq215/mimimishishishi/IMG_0509.jpg?t=1227020468

I'm scared. I'm terrified. So much so that my mind is thinking of a million reasons not to go. Not to face my demons. Not to face my mistakes. Because a large part of me knows that I'm not brave. That deep inside I don't have what it takes. That I am inadequate.

But then, the other part of me says, the part which is but a whisper, that if I don't begin now, what more in the future when I have to face tougher choices... much scarier people...

I guess the only thing that's stopping me, the thing I keep repeating in my head is that by going, I both have everything to gain and everything to lose. Life's choices after all are zero-sum games. Tit for tat. Win or lose. Up or down. A finality such as that always always scares me. Because what if I lose? How can I possibly deal with that? I know enough of myself to realize my weaknesses, and of all emotions, disappointment is the one which I fear the most.

Maybe just maybe if I say it as often as it takes, and loud enough that will drown the other voices in my head, I can be like the cowardly lion and realize that I had what I needed inside me all along. Courage and strength. Maybe in tiny amounts, but nonetheless still there.

It's just so hard to rely on maybes. Enough self-pity. Time to make a decision.

5 comments:

Couture Carrie said...

Good luck, sweetie! Love your handwritten note . . .

xoxox,
CC

Wendy said...

Life is a bitch sometimes.

Susanna-Cole said...

There is a "win or loose" mentally in today's society, but in my opinion, life is not just a game. If you mess something up, that doesn't mean you've lost... "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing." Don't be afraid to risk things in life, to be vunerable sometimes... <3

xoxo,
S-C

luyi said...

i always love the caputure of notes. i mean take photos for those notes on notebook or paper.

it's whimsical.

wish you happy

poeta fit, non nascitur said...

Thanks for reading this, you guys. It was really really tough but I got through it.