Not looking for pity. Just a space to pour out my insecurities. Or most likely a prescription for antidepressants.

I'm scared. I'm terrified. So much so that my mind is thinking of a million reasons not to go. Not to face my demons. Not to face my mistakes. Because a large part of me knows that I'm not brave. That deep inside I don't have what it takes. That I am inadequate.

But then, the other part of me says, the part which is but a whisper, that if I don't begin now, what more in the future when I have to face tougher choices... much scarier people...

I guess the only thing that's stopping me, the thing I keep repeating in my head is that by going, I both have everything to gain and everything to lose. Life's choices after all are zero-sum games. Tit for tat. Win or lose. Up or down. A finality such as that always always scares me. Because what if I lose? How can I possibly deal with that? I know enough of myself to realize my weaknesses, and of all emotions, disappointment is the one which I fear the most.

Maybe just maybe if I say it as often as it takes, and loud enough that will drown the other voices in my head, I can be like the cowardly lion and realize that I had what I needed inside me all along. Courage and strength. Maybe in tiny amounts, but nonetheless still there.

It's just so hard to rely on maybes. Enough self-pity. Time to make a decision.